Man in the Mirror pt.3

No use of giving a bunch of excuses so I’ll just jump right in. I must forewarn you that some of this may be rated TV-RE for TV-Revealing. Lol corny I know. Oh! and i know it says part 3 not 2...that's because i'm still working on 2. Enjoy!

As you may know I just moved to Austin Texas a few weeks ago to start my master’s program at the LBJ School in public affairs. Since my being here I believe God has been allowing things good/bad to happen to me for a reason. I don’t quite know what it is yet, but soon to find out. Am I worried? No, I believe everything has a purpose and maybe these things are to shape me into the person He will present to the world at the appointed time.

Now to the subject at hand; Last night was very thought provoking yet beneficial for me. Since I arrived at UT I’ve been dealing with the emotions: intimidation, apprehension, doubt, etc. about my abilities, my being here, and what I’m to accomplish while here. In a very cliché-ish way I would say little phrases to help me mitigate all the aforementioned feelings and emotions. But honestly, it was only a way to “cover” the pain I was afraid to reveal and be healed from. But I guess the Father had a different plan for me on last night.

While leaving my last class around 8:50 p.m. I had this thought or idea that I dealt with “pride.” Me=Pride? Oh heavens no! So as many of us do, I shrugged it off and continued in route to my car. While approaching the elevator I was greeted by a really good friend I’ve come to know since my arrival. He showed me a speech given by the Late Ted Kennedy’s son and the part that stuck out the most was how his father was dedicated to perseverance and admonished him to work harder than those who “have it easy” due to their “talents” and skill sets-to be triumphant in the end. After reading the passage my friend looks over and says, “dude, I’m not the smartest guy here, and many times I’m the one in class who’s like what did he say? And I don’t feel back because I know that even though I’m not the smartest now and they [the smarter people] may have it easy, if I work hard now-regardless of how dumb I look now (because that doesn’t matter) three years from now I’ll be exactly where I want to be with the knowledge to sustain and keep me there. All because I was willing to work hard and take what those smart people were saying/doing and using it to my advantage. “

Right then it became apparent that I was living behind a mask. I then began to confess: “dude, you don’t know how much you just helped me. For the longest I felt as if I had to always be on my stuff or live up to the name I had established. It was like falling short was taboo or something. Coming from Prairie View I was on my stuff and people knew me would tell you ‘yeah Johnie is on his stuff.’ And coming here I had this impression that everyone was expecting the same out of me. But in reality I’m starting at the ground level again and that’s totally okay.” He replies, “dude, many times people ask me stuff and I tell’em I don’t have all the answers…that’s why I’m here.”

And throughout the night, that was the one thing that stuck with me, “I don’t have all the answers…that’s why I’m here.” I was dealing with pride but wouldn’t admit it. I had apprehension, trepidations, reservations, etc. all because I was unwilling to face the fact that I was not being truthful with myself. I then confessed my sin to God and asked for grace to overcome this battle. Please pray for me as well. It just hit me that growth could not take place when I was in a suit that hindered it. You get it?